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[23 Dec 2004|08:25pm]

it is so hard to believe that tomorrow is already christmas eve, and i have no gifts wrapped.. and still havent finished shopping. im going to be one of those people that goes out and hussels on christmas eve.

today my mom and i went to the spa all day. then went to get my ears double pierced. the studs are so big i am not a fan. 6 months til i can change them... maybe less than if im daring. tonight was jacks show and he called early this morning to see if i was planning on attending, of course due to the snow storm no one thought it was worth it to travel downtown to watch. i think new years is the last holiday i will spend without jack. tonight he'll know that.

ive been watching the oc since last night thinking that since it doesnt snow there, it will stop snowing here. no such luck. this morning all of us were basically snowed in and the parents are outside shoveling every couple of hours so the driveway doesnt freeze over.

OK we'll sitting here is making my mind travel into places of depression.. im going to see spanglish with kerry. peace


life moves on, even if you arent ready for it to [22 Dec 2004|09:10pm]

papa johns
oc ryan dying, god i am so sorry i never got to tell you. you're my superman.
sandys coming home in an hour..
my room is a complete and utter disaster
hillary annoys the fuck out of me and has called me 10 times today
catie went to chicago.. til the 27th; boo.
my trunk finally isnt jam packed
i have more earrings than i have room for
tomorrow is mine and my mothers spa day.
i burned an enormous hole in my dashboard with a cigarette
ive gotten wasted off of my ass for all of break so far [im taking a 5 day break, while catie is gone]
diet coke is my obsession lately
i have not had the urge to smoke in two days
things between me and jack make me ill.
ive been a slut lately thinking that it will make me feel good
christmas is exciting yet annoying at the same time.
i want champagne so badly for new years
caties mom is going to chicago for new years which means party.
colin kissed me on my forehead monday night while i was puking my brains out drunk and ive finally felt special since jack.
i think i can finally finally be ok.
we all blasted piano man monday night and it was the best time ever.

until i have another couple of exciting days, im off to clean my room..enjoy the oc.. have a fun time with my brother. peace


breath of heaven [16 Dec 2004|09:22pm]

im finding that writing down activities and thoughts seems to be theraputic once again, instead of just a horrible sense of reality sinking in.
today hillary and i went to cafe to do some homework and just have the usual girl chitchat. ended up with grabbing some dinner having more chit to the chat than usual and phoning the guys.. gah. that resulted in stupidself inviting them to cafe and them inviting us to the mall. ended up venturing to the mall to get kerrys christmas present finally.. buying an adorable wallet.. and having the guys walk past and no words said. stealing a -caution wet floor- sign and planning to set it atop the volvo.

the night slowed down with the unfortunate events of learning tyler and his girlfriend broke up.. if the perfect couple cant survive how could any? hillary and i missed the OC which almost sent us into a ceasure. gaah being on a life high is not good when it comes to simple things to remember.

the parents went to the christmas concert for school and arrived home before i did, that did not go too well. tomorrow is the most pointless day of school i could even utter.. keyboarding, and 2 art classes then break. i would rather stay home and sleep instead of wasting enery waking up early and going to school til 11.


[12 Dec 2004|09:19pm]

friday: consists of shannon going to hillarys to begin baking matt a cake for his unbelievably belated birthday.. kerry arriving with our much needed stick of butter... we leave to go get molly & her friend and take them to the basketball game.. decided that we are starting a band... ::The Whores:::... [it would be better just not to ask] go back to hills, ice the cake.. pick up catie.. and matt.. head to westgate to give him our surprise birthday cake.. eat a little, be obnoxious a little.. then bounce outta there. took cake back to matts car.. jack and "slut bitch" seem to be driving past matts car as we are arriving so they decide to turn around and follow us back to kerrys.. pull into kerrys driveway and refuse to leave... hm that just made the night AWESOME. so we dropped kerry off at babysitting, drove around to waste sometime.. took matt back to his car.. went to caties and partied our hearts out. midnight curfew kicked my ass out of the party and arrived home at 12:05, still wasted. ended up falling asleep at some point in time. THE END

saturday: hilly and i venture to southpark for the afternoon, shop our hearts out.. then came home and got invited over to mikes.. went on a hunt to find jack mike and matt.. found them took some pictures of ghosts.. got smacked in the mouth with a guitar.. got wrestled til i ached.. things got a little akward after awhile and decided to book it out of there... went to get catie and went out to crocker park to meet up with tyler and mike.. played some chess with them on the huge chess board.. went to starbucks with people, got a movie.. went back to tylers-- it got kinda lame.. made an excuse to leave.. and went to caties to party party again. hill cate and i had an enormous dance party going and it was just awesome. life was good. midnight curfew kicked me in the ass again.. went home, waited til 3--snuck back over to caties for about 45 minutes, party had died down alot so decided to get outta there and get home before the madre awoke. home around 4:15. good good night.


oh ps. caties moms going out of town for new years.. 19days!


[09 Dec 2004|09:19pm]
[ mood | content ]

well now this is odd since i havent updated in such a long time. things have just been kind of crazy, and i havent been quite okay for a long time.. and when the thoughts of updating have filled my head i have just gotten dizzy and even worse feeling. today i am okay, this past weekend i was okay, this week was okay. life seems to be progressing on track like it once did a long long time ago. last weekend we partied like crazy, and i finally realized.. drinking can bring a sense of comfort instead of just a headache. it brings so much closer that i just wish i lived my life the way i do after a few drinks. and hanging out with older guys has been good to the soul, and to the heart. although it brings much confusion to feelings it still is good. the foursome has finally risen and will be gracious. catie kerry hillary and i are finally finally content.

this week brought ring day, which then brought coventry with katy and kerry.. like the old times, it was oh so sweet. kerry bought some wicked earrings (yes i just said wicked? who am i) and i got some awesome bling bling. katy i think was just content with her cheese sandwhich at tommy, incredible. i got a parking ticket because the meter expired. boo

today i stayed home from school with this nasty flu that is traveling and multiplying quicker than i could imagine. i wonder if one day everyone in the world will just be sick. hah i would laugh i think.

hillary and i made new friends last night at starbucks, tyler and mike.. they are enjoyable to the max. they tried teaching me how to play chess.. and saturday we are going to crocker park, to the giant chess board to have ourselves a tournament. mwuaha and then i think a sleepover at tylers place of residency.

well this entry is oh so long, i apologize. hopefully life will continue to be trouble-free and updating will continue to be a regular. bye for now


[21 Nov 2004|03:45pm]
listing seems to be the best i can do right now.

care packages.
marlbro lights.
diet pepsi.
diet coke with lime.
gray pants.
anorexic sluts who think they can beat me up.
the love from the show friday.
apple candy.
80's water.
my passionate love for seth cohen.
my hatred thoughts of mags.
eating BK 4 days in a row.
crocker park.
ae and gap credit cards.
obsession to green converse.
baby wipes.
my hill.
the cold fronts.
1 broke me| shakedown

this life [06 Nov 2004|09:44am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

the oc has become my life. i seem to be finding myself trying to fit into their lives. theres something about pretending you are in some other life that just makes everything thats horrible in yours, okay again.

last night was the used show.. and it was absolutely amazing. it was almost like a huge peaceful scene at a rage event. the fact that all of us were able to get together and enjoy each others company for the entire night without any drama... it was just so nice to change up routine a bit. jack and mike have a new friend.. joey. who is the nicest person that they have found to be friends with in a long time. maybe this will be the person who has an awesome influence on jack, finally.


why do my emotions for jack run wild when im tired and frustrated, no just tired. everytime i am tired i seem to find a reason to be mad at him, even if it is for the most absurd reasons ever. its like i have this huge expectation that a boyfriend is supposed to make everything all better and everything not hurt or feel shitty anymore. aklikikdsgh being a teenager in love sucks.


i could be so much more than this [30 Oct 2004|06:21pm]
i havent updated in awhile and i guess that is because there have been so many mixed emotions going on with my life. field hockey is over.. and as much as i started to complain about it and almost started to dislike it... i miss it terribly. i miss having some place regular to go after school everday and people to confide in, and people who are crazy and hyper and talk about all the ridiculous things that normal people wouldnt speak of. and then theres jack. the ongoing saga between him and i. and honestly i really dont know what to make of it. because i figure that maybe we are going through all of this to grow togetehr and to realize that we know each other too well to give each other up. but then theres always that sense of doubt. why does there always have to be that doubtful part of every decision?

life other than all of those dreadful happenings has been pretty ordinary. halloween is the big excitment of this lazy weekend and then next weekend the used and taking back sunday are coming. and its also nib weekend so we dont have school monday. the weekend after that im going to columbus and then the weekend after that kerry aand i are going back to columbus to start christmas shopping. but thinking about christmas shopping makes me ill because then i am formed back into the depressing thoughts that this is our junior year and christmas means its almost over.

tonight i feel is lazy again.. maybe laying around with movies like last night? although minus kerry bc shes babysitting.. blah.

[06 Oct 2004|06:26pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

breezy days
my addiction to mean girls
first full day all week of apah with court
big earrings
dinner with kerry and kat
sleeping in movie theaters
pink day
pink bracelets
everything pink
not caring about school for weeks
college meetings
3 days of shortened schedule
not having practice tomorrow
taco bell


using all my phone minutes
threatend by mono
killing deer
full stomachs
fighting con jack
being tired all the time
having so much homework to catch up
having practice on friday


[04 Oct 2004|08:50pm]
cold weather
field hockey games
7th heaven
cozy beds
cider, hot.
mean girls
big earings
the mall
gift cards
raspy voices
clean socks
hair ties
pink rubber bands
fallout boy
birthday planning
under armour
burger king

this list is enormous
1 broke me| shakedown

[03 Oct 2004|10:06am]
so this weekend was pretty much packed. friday kerry and i celebrated dans birthday and also checked out the football scene. we went to marcs and bought the entire hilarious gift. and after went to get the famous cider.. then hit up the westlake/river game. then went back to dans to give him his gift. then they went to cafe and we went to go get colfitz and bridey.. then went back to kerrys and had a big sleepover consisting of 2 girls from each grade.hah lots of fun. um the next morning before i went home i stopped by jacks and we just layed in bed and talked everything out. i think things are on their way. then i had to go to my aunts for my family party? yeah boring. um then afterwards i went out to cams and we got ready for our crazy night of crashing homecomings, unfortunately things didnt go as planned. we went over brians house before and saw a bunch of westlake whores telling us to go kill ourselves and we decided that maybe that scene wasnt the best.. and it would be hard to sneak in.. so we headed out to avons... and ended up driving behind of jack and his cousin so we stopped to talk to him for awhile and sat in the car to keep warm. BUT we cant forget that on the way to brians CAMERON HIT A DEER hahaha oh lord it ran out right in front of the car and we had a screaming fit.. it was the scariest thing ever and wow we didnt kill it, we think we just broke its leg and it was just laying on the side of the raod.. dont worry we snapped a few pictures though.. hah ummm so we didnt get into avons homecoming either.. so we drove to the coynes bc brendan was there and then they told us to leave because of our outfits.. so we left and went to the restaurant and stole bread and showed off our outfits to the people eating.. and the cooks and then went back to cams and got my car and then i went to go meet jack and kyle at arbys and cam went back to brendans and then we were supposed to go meet up with krissy and everyone frmo avon but i guess they werent doing anything so i just wnt thome to sleep because iwasnt feeling well. hm os it was an early night but yet entirely packed with fun filled events.. today should be interesting..

[28 Sep 2004|09:56pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

so basically this entry is pointless.. and is just being used as a way to keep me awake until laguna beach because im exhausted. we had a game today against cleveland heights.. 3-0. tomorrow is back to practice of hell though.
hm lets make another lists of loves...
planning a weekend of being "bad" with cameron
getting great macaroni salad from martins
laguna beach/one tree hill
my oc countdown
cellphone chargers
yellow gatorade
the real world
pink lemonade from the line
cozy beds
early nights
the bread from 3birds
the used new cd
clean socks
hot pink peacoats
pink birks
free movies
sleeping in late


where is your boy tonight, i hope he is a gentleman [26 Sep 2004|12:47am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

hmm.. so cincinnati was extremely fun. i really got to bond alot with jacklyn and to me that was sweet. again shiv, ros and i were in a room and cam ended up passing out in my bed.. we went to bed at like 4 am because there was just no possible way for us to sleep early and ruin a perfectly good night. this morning our game was good, the field was amazing to play on, etc etc.. cam gave me a "body-talk" tatoo that says -i dont know jack. which was perfectly fitting.
hmm on the way home from cinci my dad took me birthday shopping because i forgot that my birthday was in like a week? hah so we went to easton for a couple hours and then rushed home to make it to jacks show. they played well, worth our time. then we all went to applebees afterwards and then went to dans to build a fire.. and then just kind of chilled out with jack for an hour or so.
hmmmm but im exhausted and at this moment, everything is content.


its a sin, its a lie [23 Sep 2004|10:22pm]
[ mood | calm ]

so ive finally decided that having another class with courtney is just the joy of my day. a-pah is amazing.
so is redbull, and moms credit cards to shop on urban..
and giggle bursts, and winning.. and seeing a cheering section...
and pretzels in hummus.. and the oc special...
and getting sucked into the myspace world (although terribly sad)
and jolly rancher suckers... and old pictures of fairy night...
and multiple colored sharpies, and making fun of people in apah when they dont know it..
what else is good..
showers are good (sometimes), and phone calls, and kerry bumper stickers...
and eating dinner, and going to bed early...
and capri sun sports.. and cameron of course..
and kerry geib with smoking rages...
and being able to finally look at the good in things instead of horrible messes that surround every day life.

1 broke me| shakedown

strange [22 Sep 2004|06:26am]
[ mood | drained ]

well its like 630 am, and i woke up at 615 for some random reason that im unsure of? went to bed kind of early lasst nigiht as to what i remember maybe around 1130.. mm good.
um so last night was a fabulous night in the life of jackashan... as well in the life just gereral i guess. or maybe its when jackashan are good everything appears to be spotless as well? blah my mind is asleep so i apologize for the rambling. i had a dream last night tha we were going away to college for like 3 months. we were at mags and i was asking siobhan if i should bring my books so i could stay on top of things, and then i remmeberd about bringing my laptop. so very very strange.

courtney made my night last night by reminding me of how she is a wonderfully thoughtful friend and is loaning me her A.PAH notes since there are a shocking 3 pages??? gosh murph whatre you thinking.. hmm what else. oh i went home from school sick yesterday because for some reaosn ive been having these migranes that dance all through my head and cause almost blackouts i think.. its kind of scary and very painful. so i slept most of the day and then pops told me i wasnt supposed to go to practice? so seeing as how yesterday was so bad we arent talking about it, shellys going to shit on me for missing because we have a game this afternoon as well as tomorrow... and then we leave for cinci on friday afternoon which sucks so effing bad. i hate that its my entire life.. sometimes i just want to be able to come home from school and nap and just figure out if anyones up to going out for a little.. gosssssssh.

so i keep getting these spazums when i just flinch and roll around in bed.. so maybe thats telling me to eat up this our of sleep i still have left to savor.. byee <3shananana


"..forever never seems to be around when things end." [20 Sep 2004|10:28pm]
aahhhh. i hate the feeling of sitting online, seeing someone you want to talk to more than anything, and knowing the best thing to do is not IM them, and you know they wont IM you so it sucks and you always scroll up and down your buddy list to see if theyre there. yeah i hate being gay, but im definately feeling that right now. sometimes i dont understand why things have to end and why they ever started for that matter. your so happy in the moment and you never want to lose it. you think about it so much that theres no way you can imagine losing it and then you do and everything comes crashing down and its an emptiness inside you that you are seraching to fill. sometimes little thoughts about the time together cross your mind and you remember fun times and even though they are such good memories you want to cry not laugh at them because you feel like theyll never come again. after this summer ive learned to look at everything in a new light. ive gained some freinds this year that i thought i lost for good. and it has gone to show me that anything can be found and nothing is always lost. i think this is so true because at the least expectant time someone or something could reappear and thats the hope i have, but sometimes i wonder if i even want it back and if its just gonna eventually pull me down again. so i look to the past to smile at the memories i love most, i like the present to fulfill everyday as if its my last, and i look to the present for the goodtiems to come. soco is so loving nad true--"you dont want to be here in the future, so you say the presents just a pleasant interuption to the past."

<3 courti
1 broke me| shakedown

dont let me let you go [16 Sep 2004|07:48pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

so today was weird. another sickness of some kind is traveling around mags and of course its hit the fh team. cam has pink eye, kels is sick along with em and of course i got the migranes to go along with it. tomorrow we leave for detroit so passing the germs will be hard to avoid. today we played WRA, lost 2-0; complete shock to all of us. its hard to bust your ass off, for nothing basically.
oh well its over..
hopefully this weekend will be better than the last 2, thats all i think we really need around here, is just to let loose and have some fun. yep i think that will do us all a little good.


good good bye, ill be fine [12 Sep 2004|12:02am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

this weekend seemed like such a waste? and its hard to believe its already basically over. friday night was so random and spent with jack which made things just even more random because spending time together now just seems akward.... and then tonight? blah hung out with kerry who i havent seen much of this week which was pleasant but due to peoples stupidity and dumb attitudes, our night wasnt as fun as our recent adventures. it just seems like people are acting so weird lately? i dont know maybe its just that theres nothing really to look forward to, or no new exciting plans in mind.. blah field hockey is so overwhelming. today we had a game at hawken, won 3-0 but played like shit, then went to legacy for lunch at cheesecake factory with my cousins.. then went to galyans and went nuts. hah got PINK birks for school which made my day so complete. ignatius homecoming was tonight, hope all the girls that went had fun, cam said she was really excited which made her glow ha it was cute. kalsg blah this is so pointless. but yet i am home early again tonight and am not quite ready to lay in the bed for hours and hours. tomorrow im going on this house tour with my cousin, aunt and mom around lakewood, i heard it was supposed to be really cool and interesting so im looking forward to that, but not the fact that the day after that is monday and mondays include horrible schedules and practice. i just really cant stand mags. its not even the first month of school and i cant stand it. my classes are interesting and everything and the work load is nothing compared to last years stress... its just that somehtings missing there... lunches just seem to incomplete as well as classrooms. BLAH this mood ive been in all week is beyond annoying and i cant for the life of me figure out why im in it, or have continued to drag it out so long....

1 broke me| shakedown

finaaaallly [08 Sep 2004|03:47pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

so finally i come to a day where i come home after school instead of hurrying to gather freshman and sophmores, hit up martins.. and rush to practice. because of the hurricane, we have a day off. unfortunately we had a game scheduled for today.. so that means a reschedule.. but practice was cancelled as well. so finally home by 320 to sit around watch tv and eat. basically just doing things at your own pace. im already looking forward to the season being over just because i got so used to being on my own time and page with things. these next couple of weeks i will eat and sleep field hockey. we have atleast 2 games during the school week and then next weekend we go to detroit for games on friday and saturday.. and then the following weekend we have games during the week as well as going to cinci for the weekend to play again. gah its so overwhelming to even think about it. i will probably be loosing my head even before then because i havent gotten an awesome night of sleep since maybe the first week of school when i used to go to bed no later than 9. =( i dont like the rush that sports cause. the school year has been working well for me. i seem to acomplish most of the assignments before they are due... mainly the hours before handing it in, but still. i need to just get myself organized before i have these breakdowns every day.
                  so basically things are all up in the air. feelings are very shaking based on the moods that come along with the rushing/the weather.

things with jack and i are back into the swing of things. we are back together for the 283517290e5682TH time. hah hopefully we'll be able to stand each other this time and the drama will finally be brought to an end. theres gotta be something there for the both of us to both be putting up with all the shit we caused each other and still be able to look though it and see the love we have for each other. ahlksghs i dont know. we're crazy kids.


so im off to finish watching the lovely new real world. and sleep in my nice bed before 6 pm. see yaaaaaaaa

OH and i NEEEED the OC to come on, ps. GSAHDGADS yes ive already spazed out about it once today.. heres for twice.


"all i ask of you is forever to remember..as loving you" [07 Sep 2004|03:50pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

well schools started and im realizing the reason i dont do this much is becuase im soo busy. but today i defiantely found the time to write :) todays sept 7th cindys 3 month anniverisary. it feels like yesterday when we all stoood in that long long line at the funeral home and say goodbye to cindy. and today at school everyone was upset and sad about ma'an a freshman who passed away this weekend. its so horrible to think that in the last year ive been asscioated with more death than i have ever experiacned in my whole life. its one of the hardest things to undesrtand and even harder to go through. i hope her family and freidns stick through it together and help eachother. and for cindy i hope we all remember her in the loving light she lived in.
hmm on a different note, the school year is going okay. the work isnt as stressful as last year and i seem to be on top of it. i hope i can keep this up all school year.
with the start of this school year, came the start of a new and so much better social outlook too. this weekend i hung out with people i never thought id speak to again. its so much better to be freidns then enemies and weve all talked about how we feel the same. im happy to have all the drama and bullshit over with. i plan to completely forget sophomore year and move through this one with new outlooks.
this is like a theology book wow. uhh what else..hmm john. well were not talking anymore i would basically say we have no title. i feel kinda stupid about the whole adrienne thing, since apparently there was nothing going on but the sitaution happened for a reason i belive so maybe its for the best? john and i still talk and maybe someday will be back together but not yet. thats just a crazy situationnn.
camp applications are like 115 days or something, gonna look into that considering i spent my whole summer there haha but hopefulyl ill get the job. ive made my final decsiion to apply, last year at this time i was freaking out and on the verge of depression over stupid shit but partially camp so yeah ive worked through that and made my decsiison hahah.
this is like a novel so i should wrap it up..hopefully i will continue to write more consistently! ha

<3 court


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